Trowel By Jury – The Musical

A touching portrayal of life in an archaeological field unit where things are not always as they seem…

Meet Gary Muckley, a down to earth (as it were) archaeologist who is thrust into the unfamiliar world of politics and corruption. Soon he finds he must fight to save his job, reputation, love and ultimately his life.

Synopsis of plot:

The play centres on the main character, Gary Muckley, who is a down-to-earth archaeologist working for a large archaeological unit. We see him through his bitter struggle to climb the corporate ladder of the unit in order to gain the respect and – who knows – love, of the girl he loves. It is the classic tried and tested formula of ‘country bumpkin meets glamorous city girl’, set in the world of field archaeology and high office politics.

ACT I

As the story opens Gary is a simple digger, leading a directionless and self-gratifying life [Digger Happy!] and never stopping to look at what he’s missing. Meanwhile Annie Looker, a trendy town girl, is given the job of archaeological illustrator in the same unit as Gary [Drawing Office Jingle!]. Everything changes for our hero as he first sees Annie at the weekly archaeologists Friday night drink at the local pub, The Hawk [Pots and Plans]. Having seen her and fallen deeply in love, his outlook on life changes entirely as he experiences a profound epiphany [The Find of My Life]. Things don’t go entirely to plan however, and he has to admire her from afar [Survey Song]. In order to gain her esteem he begins his new life as an office worker; based in the Consultancy department (just across the hall from the Drawing office) [Song?]. Here he finds himself out of his depth [First Day in Consultancy] and soon begins to despair in his failing attempts to woo his beloved Annie.

Gary struggles to fit in and integrate himself into this world of 9 to 5, and soon attracts the negative attention of the Consultancy office boss: Anton Swine [Song?]. His arch – rival is the hugely contrasting Rod Redhouse from the drawing office across the entrance hall. The two soon find themselves head-to-head in a very prestigious ‘manager of the year’ award [Rod and Anton] so both buckle down and become ever more severe with their staff. The two rivals also make attempts to sabotage the other’s office work, ending in great confusion [Song?].

Anton also has his eye on Annie and, noticing the undeniable chemistry between her and Gary, sets seeds of doubt in both minds. He uncovers much of Gary’s past as a digger and exaggerates his womanising behaviour to Annie [I’ve Dug Up the Past]. He then convinces Gary that he has no chance with Annie. Annie, believing all that Anton has told her, resolves to fight her blossoming love for Gary and walk away from what could have been [Fieldwalking]

Gary, disillusioned by the office politics he has encountered and the corruption he has unwittingly uncovered, and believing Annie to be totally indifferent to his advances, hands in his resignation to Anton, who had already planted this idea in his mind. Full of regrets, he returns to his former existence as an ordinary digger [I’ll Dig Myself a Hole] and is welcomed back by his long abandoned friends…

ACT II

As the curtains open Gary is digging again and again in the thick of the revelry [A Little More Excavation]. He  discovers a hugely important, significant and precious find. This gets him on the local news “South Today” and in papers as prestigious as the Local Times [Level-Headed]. He is propelled to fame and welcomed back into the bosom of the Unit. Annie also finally admits about her love for him and the two begin a secret affair [RadioCarbon Dating]. But… the find goes missing! Everybody blames Gary for this and he is very publicly sacked and told he’ll never work in archaeology again [Career in Ruins]. Anton very significantly grins through this announcement.

Over the next few weeks Anton starts turning up at work in big expensive fur coats, gold rings and smokes large Cuban cigars. People comment that he is looking well but can’t quite put their finger on why. Annie marks the change and becomes suspicious [Song?].

Between them her and Gary discover that there is a long history of finds ‘disappearing’ from the unit with no explanation, and that Anton always has access to them [Song?]. They uncover a fiendish criminal mastermind who steals precious archaeological finds and then sells them on to Arabian millionaires. Gary confronts Anton in his office. He confesses all privately [Dirt Under My Nails] before attacking him. Gary manages to get away and Anton shouts after him, very publicly, “You attacked me! You are a disgrace to archaeology!”, and everyone believes him.

It is then up to Gary to break in to Anton’s office by enlisting the help of his archaeological friends and tunnelling their way in with trowels, and find his secret stash of finds and receipts [Digging up Dirt]. Anton’s office is guarded not only by locks and bolts, but in the event of somebody tunnelling their way in (he was expecting an attempt from Gary) there are a collection of booby traps which take out all Gary’s friends one by one. Beneath Anton’s office he uncovers a labarynth of passages and chambers that he uses as his criminal base, which he accesses from a trap door beneath his desk. There are more booby traps as he proceeds alone [Trowels and Tribulations?]. He is met by one of Anton’s droogs and in true Indiana Jones style he gets consumed in a fight that prevents him completing his mission.

The events come to a head at the AGM, where Dave Jennings is set to announce the winner of the Manager of the Year award [Song?]. It seems to be a set victory for Anton, who has public support on his side (he’s been splashing his money around left right and centre). Annie has the job of introducing DJ on to the stage and she takes the opportunity to stall the proceedings as much as possible.

Meanwhile, Gary, at great personal risk manages to overthrow his opponent, finds hard evidence of Anton’s dastardly criminal activities and runs to the venue of the AGM [Song?] – will he get there in time to stop Anton receiving the award! Tension! Annie eventually runs out of things to say and leaves the stage with a small, very polite and unenthusiastic applause. Anton is getting edgy and wants to hurry proceedings but Annie suggests to DJ that he should make a really long speech, which he does. Annie and Anton are both edgy and looking at their watches a lot (in the film version the AGM is cut between shots of Gary running in the dark across the city).

Eventually, DJ’s speech draws to a close and he says “And without further ado, the winner is… Ant – “

At this point Gary rushes in shouting “Nooooooooooooooooooooo!!!”. All look round, confused and startled as Gary explains all he has found. Annie throws herself around him as he receives an official apology from DJ and, by way of thanks, is awarded the trophy himself. Anton does a lot of shaking fists before being bundled off by the police to await trial [I Think I’ve Found My Bottom]. The possibility of a sequel is left tantalisingly open when Anton shrieks: “I’ll be back!!”

The finale of the musical is the wedding of our hero and heroine that same night at the AGM presided over by Dave Jennings (it is a little known fact that, like sea captains, heads of archaeological units can legally perform marriage services) [I Dig Everything].

They all live happily ever after.

Gary Muckley – Mathew from Eastenders

Annie Looker – Cat Deely

Anton Swine – Ralph Fiennes

Archie & Dug – Ant & Dec

LEGAL DISCLAIMER: All characters in this play are entirely fictional.

Any resemblance to persons living or dead is merely coincidental.

 

Songs:Act I

Digger Happy!

Drawing Office Jingle

Pots and Plans

Diggin’ An ‘Ole*

The Find of My Life

Survey Song

First Day in Consultancy

Rod and Anton

I’ve Dug Up the Past

Fieldwalking

I’ll Dig Myself a Hole

Act II

A Little More Excavation†

Level-Headed

Radiocarbon Dating!

Career in Ruins

Dirt Under My Nails

Digging Up Dirt

I Think I’ve Found My Bottom

I Dig Everything!

All songs by Lucinda Martinez except

† written by P.Lorimer

* written by B.Cribbins

Digger Happy!

The scene is the introduction of the diggers and Gary Muckley, who is working centre stage. It is a sunny day and all are clearly in a genial mood. There is much light-hearted banter flying around as they dig. All the actions and sounds of the work are synchronised and the comments and replies are all delivered in rhyming couplets. The light gradually focuses on one particular member of the group: it is Gary. He lifts his head half to his workmates and half to the audience and sings:

Some work for their bosses in cosy warm rooms, (typing and typing and typing and typing!)
And all the while they don’t question their dooms, (typing and typing and typing and typing!)
They sit there for hours till 5:30 arrives, (typing and typing and typing and typing!)
Each day is a struggle just to survive!

I don’t like routine; it’d make my head ache!
The endless monotony would make me stagnate!
I’m an outdoor man, I can’t settle down!
I’m the happy bachelor, the man about town!

My mother always told me, “Get a white collar job!” (typing and typing and typing and typing!)
“Find a nice wife, get a house and a dog, (typing and typing and typing and typing!)
“Invest in a pension and wait for your carriage clock”, (typing and typing and typing and typing!)
Well, my poor dear mother, I’ve been such a shock!

I don’t like routine; it’d make my head ache!
The endless monotony would make me stagnate!
I’m an outdoor man, I can’t settle down!
I’m the happy bachelor, the man about town!

I’m just digger happy! (digger happy!)
The tools of my trade
Are the trowel, pic and spaaaaaade!
I’m just digger happy! (digger happy!)
The thrill of the find
Makes me feel I’m aliiiiiiive!
I’m just digger happy (digger happy!)
Who could want more
Than the wide, fresh outdoors?
I’m digger happy! (yes, digger happy!)
Life is a game
You can win – so lets plaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!

Why stay in one place when the world’s for the take? (digging and digging and digging and digging!)
I’m circuit digging, there’s no time to wait! (digging and digging and digging and digging!)
Life is too short to hang around (digging and digging and digging and digging!)
I’m a rolling stone, who can say where I’m bound!

I don’t like routine; it’d make my head ache!
The endless monotony would make me stagnate!
I’m an outdoor man, I can’t settle down!
I’m the happy bachelor, the man about town!

Oh I play the field, yeah, and see the sites. (digging and digging and digging and digging!)
I dig all the day and I party all night! (digging and digging and digging and digging!)
I’ve not got much money but I’ve got all I need, (digging and digging and digging and digging!)
Just who in the world could feel more free!

I don’t like routine; it’d make my head ache!
The endless monotony would make me stagnate!
I’m an outdoor man, I can’t settle down!
I’m the happy bachelor, the man about town!

I’m just digger happy! (digger happy!)
The tools of my trade
Are the trowel, pic and spaaaaaade!
I’m just digger happy! (digger happy!)
The thrill of the find
Makes me feel I’m aliiiiiiive!
I’m just digger happy (digger happy!)
Who could want more
Than the wide, fresh outdoors?
I’m digger happy! (yes, digger happy!)
Life is a game
You can win – so lets plaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!

…at this point all the diggers begin dancing in a kind of Mary Poppins chimney sweep style way. There is an orchestra instrumental featuring the diggers, with Gary in the middle, in a line facing the stage dancing round their tools. Some of them, during the course of the instrumental, break away from the main group to perform little acts of choreographed acrobatics individually or in pairs. The music gets gradually faster and faster and the stunts get wackier and wackier as the dancers try to out-do each other until the music returns to its normal tempo, then slower still as Gary steps forward and sings:

(sad verse) I don’t know how long all this can last, (digging and digging and digging and digging!)
They say you die young if you dare to live fast. (digging and digging and digging and digging!)
If I let the moss grow I would feel the loss, (digging and digging and digging and digging!)
Life wouldn’t be worth living you see, yeah, because…

…back to original tempo…

I’m just digger happy! (digger happy!)
The tools of my trade
Are the trowel, pic and spaaaaaade!
I’m just digger happy! (digger happy!)
The thrill of the find
Makes me feel I’m aliiiiiiive!
I’m just digger happy (digger happy!)
Who could want more
Than the wide, fresh outdoors?
I’m digger happy! (yes, digger happy!)
Life is a game
You can win – so lets plaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!

Rapturous applause

 

Next Song

List of Songs

 

Drawing Office Jingle!

The scene is the drawing office. People are working at computers and keep running to collect prints and scan things. A hectic jingle is being played by the orchestra (something like The Typewriter by Leroy Anderson) and people are moving in a choreographed way to the beat. The drawing office staff are chanting together quietly:

ALL:

Cutting and pasting and clipping and scanning!
That’s the drawer’s life, that’s the drawer’s life!
Typing and printing and tracing and planning!
That’s the drawer’s life, that’s the drawer’s life!

Through the door bursts Tim Allen holding a drawing brief in the air and sings to the room:

TIM:

Print that! Change this!
Amend this figure and save it!
Scan this! Trace that!
And all in thirty minutes flat!
I’ll leave now but when I’m back
If it’s not done there’ll be some flack!
And if I decide to change my mind
Well that’s my right, so don’t you whine!

He throws the brief in the tray and leaves the room.

ALL:

Cutting and pasting and clipping and scanning!
That’s the drawer’s life, that’s the drawer’s life!
Typing and printing and tracing and planning!
That’s the drawer’s life, that’s the drawer’s life!

The timed bustle continues until Jon Chandler creeps in to the room with several briefs in his hand and timidly sings:

JON:

I need 38 figs
Drawn up in a Jif
To be gone in the post
In an hour at the most.
I know it’s a pain
And for me it’s a strain
But it’s got to be done somehow
So drop what you’re doing and do this now!

He puts the briefs in to the tray and leaves the room also. The chanting resumes and is repeated as people work, but is background now to a solo from Ros, who slowly leaves the choreographed bustle and moves to the centre of the stage, where she sings:

ROS:

The drawer’s life is a life on the brink,
A life to live fast and there’s no time to think!
We do as we’re told and we don’t complain,
If we did it would only be in vain!

She takes her place back in the office, and another figure drops out of line and stands to the front of the stage. It is Anne:

ANNE:

The drawer’s life is a life of hard work,
Of deadlines and clients who’re going bezerk!
This job is insane, the stress drives me mad,
Sometimes I could scream when I have to use CAD *screams*

The next person to stand is Pete:

PETE:

A drawer’s life is a life on the rocks,
If you’re expecting a good wage, you’re in for a shock!
The money is poor and the workload is great,
And if you want change, it’ll be a long wait!

At this point John Chandler pops his head round the door and very timidly sings:

JON:

I hate to cause stress,
But I’m sure you can guess,
That I need to add more
To the job I gave before.
An extra 17 tasks,
That’s not much to ask!
I’ll leave the briefs here, then off I go,
On holiday for 3 weeks to the coast of Rio!

He rips off his suit to reveal a full tourist holiday outfit (Hawaiian shirt, white shorts etc), puts on a pair of sunglasses and throws the briefs in the air. At this point hundreds of briefs come raining down from above on stage, and everybody looks dismayed and stressed.

ALL:

Cutting and pasting and clipping and scanning!
That’s the drawer’s life, that’s the drawer’s life!
Typing and printing and tracing and planning!
That’s the drawer’s life, that’s the drawer’s life!

Rod Redhouse now makes his entrance.

ROD:

Ok! Listen up people for I have something to saaaaaaaaaaay!
There’s a new girl coming, oh yeah, coming this waaaaaaaaaaaay!
I’ve given her the job to make all our lives more coooooooooooooooool!
She can do DOBS work – she ain’t no foooooooooooooooooooool!

A desk appears from the wings with a girl seated  behind it. She leaves her desk, shakes everyone’s hands and takes a paper from the DOBS tray. With this in her hand she walks to the centre stage, into a spotlight, and sings:

ANNIE:

A drawer’s life is the life that I want
I love scanning in maps and playing with fonts!
I’m quick on the draw when the finds come in
The rush of the deadline leaves my heart racing!

She walks round the office and is introduced to all the staff who are all very pleased to see her and greet her enthusiastically.

We’re the Drawing Office; that’s who we are!
Come on give us your work: you just see if we care!
You want a report? Go on: bring it to me!
We’re not scared of stuffy consultancy!

We’ll battle with your work like we’re fighting a war
There’s nothing you can show us that we’ve not seen before!
There’s nothing you can give us that we cannot do
Just face it consultancy: we’re stronger than you!

Suddenly the office is a vibrant exciting place and the chorus now becomes a positive one. They all go about their work very efficiently and with pleasure.

ALL:

Cutting and pasting and clipping and scanning!
That’s the drawer’s life, that’s the drawer’s life!
Yeah! Typing and printing and tracing and planning!
That’s the drawer’s life, yeah! that’s the drawer’s life!

Next Song

Previous Song

List of Songs

Pots and Plans

Sung by staff as they are all pilling out of The Unit / site vans and in to The Hawk after a hard week’s work in their various departments. It has the feel of Food Glorious Food as they march in single file. It is a pastiche of the unhappy housewife sentiments. The diggers are first:

THE DIGGERS:

We spend all week long digging barrow loads of soil
Piling it all on the heap of the barrow-like spoil
It’s the spoil of the past that we dig from the ground
It’s the tomb of the memories that we never found
We destroy all we touch for the knowledge we crave
Now does that seem a fit way for us to behave?

Now the week’s work is done and done is the toil
Whatever lies to be found must remain in the soil
For now we’re content and underground we’ll not pry
For now we just want to drink the pub dry !

ALL:

All we see all week long is old pots and plans
We are tied to the workplace with our head in our hands
No thanks and low pay for the work that we do
Now our time is our own for just one day or two

THE DRAWING OFFICE:

We spend all week long drawing pot after pot
And scanning in site plans and sections a lot
Though our work is not physical: it’s all in the eye
We sometimes get twinges of faint RSI
We all had our dreams to satisfy our need
For artistic fulfillment: a sad state indeed

Now the week’s work is done and we’ve put down our pens
Anyone who wants a drawing done had best think again
We’ve had all we can take now we’re off to The Hawk
No more DOBS no more pots no more plans no more work !

ALL:

All we see all week long is old pots and plans
We are tied to the workplace with our head in our hands
No thanks and low pay for the work that we do
Now our time is our own for just one day or two

The two groups come together briefly as they all wait at the bar and repeat the chorus again together

Now the week’s work is done and …

Next Song

Previous Song

List of Songs

Diggin’ an ‘ole (B. Cribbins)

On Friday nights the diggers and the office workers are united for a drink at the local pub, The Hawk. It is here that our hero first sees Annie, but only briefly. He is transfixed however, and is not paying attention to his two best friends, Archie and Dug, as they recount a humorous story from the week gone by to an otherwise enthralled table of people. They are very animated and take up the different roles between them:

There I was, a-diggin this hole
Hole in the ground
So big and sort of round it was.
And there was I, a-diggin it deep
It was flat at the bottom and the sides were steep.

When along came this bloke in a hard hat
Which he lifted and scratched his head.
Wo! He looked down the hole
Poor demented soul and he said:

Do you mind if I make a suggestion?

Don’t dig there, dig it elsewhere
You’re digging it round when it ought to be square.
The shape of it’s wrong, it’s much too long
And you can’t dig a hole where a hole don’t belong.

I ask you, what a liberty eh! I nearly bashed him right in the …

Well there was I, stood in this hole
Shovelling earth for all that I was worth I was
And there was he, standin’ up there
So grand and official with his nose in the air.

So I gave him a look sort of sideways
And I leaned on my shovel and sighed.
Wo! I lit me a fag
And having took a drag I replied:

I just couldn’t bear to dig it elsewhere
I’m digging it round cause I don’t want it square.
And if you disagree, that doesn’t bother me
That’s the place where the hole’s gonna be!

Well there we were, discussing this hole
Hole in the ground, so big and sort of round it was
It’s not there now, the ground’s all flat
And beneath it is the bloke in the safety hat!

And that’s that!

Next Song

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List of Songs

The Find of My Life

Sung just as Gary sees Annie for the first time: he’s been digging and so daren’t speak to her, as she’s so clean and tidy. For the moment at least though, he’s happy just to admire from afar. It is quite a wistful song, and should be sung at a mid tempo.

All those years I’ve spent just playing the field,
Just digging around, to no forces I’d yield!
I’ve had many finds, mostly pot or worked stone,
And flint tools and copper and animal bone.
I’ve handled them all, and all I can say
Is they helped me through all those cold and wet days.
The thrill was a flash and soon was forgot,
Like wood in drained soil, all descended to rot.
I could see no end; I looked for no more,
Until the day I found her, and then I saw!

I looked and I saw, as from out of the ground,
Uncovered: a glimpse of the gold I had found.
She stood there shining, not tarnished with age,
But radiant and bright as a midsummer day.
The delicate form, that shines up on me,
Though not yet unearthed has set me free!
How different she is from the pot and the stone
Of everyday people: she stands there alone!
In the darkness of her world she has barely begun,
I’ll lift her from the ground and show her the sun!

She’s the Gundestrup Cauldron, The Battersea Shield,
That find of a lifetime that’s spent in the field,
If Carter or Wheeler could see what I see,
They would say no other find could compare to she.
She’s the one I have heard of, of whom I’ve been told,
She’s King Arthur’s tomb, she’s The City of Gold!
I never knew she existed ‘till I saw her this day,
But I was so blind not to believe what they say.
No more shall I content with dull green copper,
When I have the precious, the good and the proper!

I look in her beauty and I see in her eyes,
Alexandria Lighthouse still lights up the skies!
Nothing is lost so why should I search?
I have the whole world now, there’s no more to learn!
She speaks to me from the dawn of time,
Like the Queen of the Nile, Harrappa or Palestine!
Now all I can hope is she notices me,
And allows me to treasure her as she should be.
I’ll restore her and study and hope she likes fuss.
Will she feel the sexual tension between us?

Next Song

Previous Song

List of Songs

Survey Song

Having fallen in love, Gary realises that Annie won’t surrender to him lightly. At this stage though, he is not disheartened in the least and doesn’t deny himself the pleasure of dreaming about his love:

If I could survey deep beneath the surface that’s seen
I would see underneath with my geo-physics machines.
My resistance meter would beep its results
And explain why she resists and makes life so difficult.
I would see if she’s soft and conductive inside,
Or got a heart that’s hard and all that implies.
If I could turn her emotions into tangible things,
I could mould her devotions and make me her king!

If I could probe her resistance to my magnetism
I’d understand her indifference to my favouritism
With my magnetometer held in my hand
I could get right inside her and I might understand.
She’s as magnetic as any slag deposit
But from slags and ores she’s completely the opposite;
So could this explain the high resistance result?
If she were slag or ore she would need no pursuit.

If I could survey her thoughts with my total station
I could write a report of conjectured information
I’d study my findings and interpret the data
And I’d find the right answer there sooner or later.
I’d survey her contours, her features, her curves,
I’d sketch them and plan them as their beauty deserves.
And while I am surveying with the level on a tripod,
Maybe she’d even hold my long ranging rod.

If I could study her shapely mounds and her features,
I’d excavate patiently in all the right places.
The strata I’d strip down gently layer by layer,
Until I came to the natural and all there is there.
I’d use my tool to dig deep inside
And uncover the golden treasures they hide;
And when she was open and exposed in all glory
Unlike my other digs, that’s not the end of the story.

If I could record all my findings with graph paper and lead,
The report would be blinding though your eyes were well fed.
With my plumb bob dangling and tape measure tight
And my pencil in hand I would do the job right.
And then she’d repay me with riches of joy
Make me feel like a man, not this love-struck young boy!
Then maybe she’ll dig herself as deep as I’ve done
Then we’d never climb out and the two would be one.

Next Song

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List of Songs

First Day in Consultancy

Scene: Consultancy on Gary’s first day. Keen to integrate himself  with the people, he places himself into a small circle comprising Anton, Tim, John and Klara. They are talking:

KLARA: Yes, absolutely Anton. Oh yes I see.
This site needs much more work. Oh yes, I quite agree.
[turns to Gary] So what is your opinion, Gary, about this SMV?
GARY: Er, if you’ll excuse me for one sec, I’ll just go get my tea!

Gary all but runs to his desk, where he gets out a book from inside his jacket. It is “AAA – Acronyms and Abbreviations in Archaeology”. He flicks through this as he sings:

An SMV? An SMV? Whatever can she mean??
I don’t want to look stupid, I want to look clever and keen!
An SMV? An SMV? I’m feeling stressed and tense!
[He reads] “A Small Medieval Village” – ah! now it all makes sense!

Replacing the book in his pocket he picks up his tea and returns to the group, but the conversation has moved on

TIM: So about this SAM we’ve head so much about,
We will need it surveyed, yes we will, I shout
[turns to Gary] So tell us dear sir, you ever surveyed a SAM before?
GARY: Well, before I answer that, dear sir, I need something from my drawer…

Again he leaves the group and rushes over to his desk where he pours through his book singing:

Surveyed a SAM? Surveyed a SAM? Whatever can he mean?
I don’t want to look stupid, I want to look clever and keen!
Surveyed a SAM? surveyed a SAM? I’m flustered I need to be fanned!
[He reads] “A Scheduled Ancient Monument” Ah! Now I understand!

I know about Munsel charts, I can do the Harris matrix
I can spot a Neolithic enclosure ditch at more than thirty paces!
So why is this so hard? Why can’t I take the pace?
Just why am I putting myself through it all, in the first damned place?
When I think such thoughts, I just remember her name!
And that if I want to win her, I must play this little game!

Closing the book and replacing it in his pocket, he picks out something random from his drawer and quietly inserts himself back in to the circle.

 

Next Song

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List of Songs

Rod and Anton

Rod Redhouse, the Drawing Office manager, is on stage talking on the phone whilst typing with one hand and doing something else with the other. He is working quickly while around him all the drawers are doing what they do.  He is not stressed though: he is smiling as he puts the phone down. All the lights dim (except a spotlight on Rod) and the drawers frieze in time as Rod looks round, then sings to the audience:

ROD:

I manage the Drawers with a laugh!
I’m joking all the while.
That’s the way to deal with staff,
They work better with a smile!

I don’t mean to boast but I’m the best!
I’m the manager they all want to be!
I am a cut above the rest,
I’m just a chilled out entertainer you see!

I live my job straight 24/7
I want no other life!
To work all day is simply Heaven!
(But just don’t tell my wife!)

Brainstorming ideas and writing reports,
meeting those deadlines and meetings with staff,
Liasing with clients and holding the fort.
And all with a joke and with a laugh!

There then follows a brief instrumental in which the action resumes and the lights come back on. Rod walks round the office performing tasks to the beat of the music before leaving the drawing office and bumping in to Anton Swine in the reception area between Graphics and Consultancy:

[to Anton] How are you this fine day?
Ah! Anton my old mate!
And if I may just say:
You’re looking really great!

[aside] He thinks I am his mate;
He couldn’t be more wrong!
My friendship is a fake,
But my hatred’s burning strong!

ANTON:

[to Rod] Why thank you very much
For your kind words today!
They leave me very touched,
Much more than I can say!

[aside] He thinks he’s fooling me!
Oh yeah! I know his game:
He hates me vervently!
And I hate him the same!

BOTH:

And where will this all lead!
We’ll have to wait and see,
One of us must concede;
And it sure will not be me!

My mind just starts yearning (yearning!)
For the money I’ll soon be earning
And my stomach it is churning (churning!)
‘Cause my hatred it is burning!

ANTON:

[to Rod] I’ve heard you’re entering the competition
To be manager of the year.
Good luck with this decision,
When I win I’ll buy you a beer!

[aside] Ha! That’ll ruffle his feathers!
He’s too big for his boots!
This storm he will not weather,
It’ll shake him to his roots!

ROD:

[to Anton] Don’t speak so quickly, my old chum!
I think we ought to choose,
Only for a bit of fun,
What you’ll do when you loose!

[aside] Ah ha! a bet! This should be fun.
I can’t wait to see his face
When the announcement comes and I have won
This big managerial race!

BOTH:

And where will this all lead!
We’ll have to wait and see,
One of us must concede;
And it sure will not be me!

My mind just starts yearning (yearning!)
For the money I’ll soon be earning
And my stomach it is churning (churning!)
Cause my hatred it is burning!

ANTON:

A wager you say! What a splendid idea!
I never would have thought
That you would tweak the nose of fear;
But it’s a battle that has to be fought!

ROD:

I see your true colours are showing bright!
Yeah! Now I know your mind!
If it’s battle you want – you’ve got your fight!
You’ve said it, you cannot rewind!

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I’ve Dug Up the Past

Anton has his eye on Annie and sees Gary as a potential threat to his plans. He has noticed the way they look at each other and knows that it is only a matter of time before they get together. Unable to face the prospect of Annie preferring a common digger to him, he sets about uncovering dirt in Gary’s past to put Annie off him. It will be sung in a jaunty way to cover up the very interesting scanning issues in the lyrics…..

The past is waiting to be discovered!
It’s lying only just beneath site!
All it needs is someone to uncover,
All the evidence and bring it to light.
And then, oh, the interpretation begins!
And your guess is as good as mine,
Just what is the meaning of cup and rings?
And those standing stones erected so high?

I have dug up the past, oh yeah,
And it’s colourful stuff!
It went off my munsel chart scale.
There was so much dirt there,
There wasn’t time enough
To dig it all – I really can’t fail!

What I’ve dug up is gritty
And dirty as tar
And I’ll tar him with this brush,
And when Annie hears my ditty
She’ll want to be far
From this rogue with his stupid little crush!

I took all of the evidence,
Made the story that’s juiciest
That fits with it loosely the best.
Then, once my theory was planned
Like any good archaeologist
I blatantly made up the rest!

Like a digger I once knew
Who had the right idea,
Who found a small ditch on a hill.
He wrote in his review,
so it sounded sincere:
It’s an opida, I can tell from the fill!

Archaeologists learn how to lie,
Or embellish sparse fact
To make something from what we’ve dug out
When theorising we try,
To be plausible and to hide that
We don’t know what we’re talking about! *shrugs*

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