First Day in Consultancy

December 18, 2009

Scene: Consultancy on Gary’s first day. Keen to integrate himself  with the people, he places himself into a small circle comprising Anton, Tim, John and Klara. They are talking:

KLARA: Yes, absolutely Anton. Oh yes I see.
This site needs much more work. Oh yes, I quite agree.
[turns to Gary] So what is your opinion, Gary, about this SMV?
GARY: Er, if you’ll excuse me for one sec, I’ll just go get my tea!

Gary all but runs to his desk, where he gets out a book from inside his jacket. It is “AAA – Acronyms and Abbreviations in Archaeology”. He flicks through this as he sings:

An SMV? An SMV? Whatever can she mean??
I don’t want to look stupid, I want to look clever and keen!
An SMV? An SMV? I’m feeling stressed and tense!
[He reads] “A Small Medieval Village” – ah! now it all makes sense!

Replacing the book in his pocket he picks up his tea and returns to the group, but the conversation has moved on

TIM: So about this SAM we’ve head so much about,
We will need it surveyed, yes we will, I shout
[turns to Gary] So tell us dear sir, you ever surveyed a SAM before?
GARY: Well, before I answer that, dear sir, I need something from my drawer…

Again he leaves the group and rushes over to his desk where he pours through his book singing:

Surveyed a SAM? Surveyed a SAM? Whatever can he mean?
I don’t want to look stupid, I want to look clever and keen!
Surveyed a SAM? surveyed a SAM? I’m flustered I need to be fanned!
[He reads] “A Scheduled Ancient Monument” Ah! Now I understand!

I know about Munsel charts, I can do the Harris matrix
I can spot a Neolithic enclosure ditch at more than thirty paces!
So why is this so hard? Why can’t I take the pace?
Just why am I putting myself through it all, in the first damned place?
When I think such thoughts, I just remember her name!
And that if I want to win her, I must play this little game!

Closing the book and replacing it in his pocket, he picks out something random from his drawer and quietly inserts himself back in to the circle.
 

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